This Thing Called Life by Ki O’Shea

I am sure it’s been a few weeks now, but one of my close friends reminded me of the guys who love me. They are all my brothers. They are protective and have been there to always remind me to keep pushing.

Life affords us these memories to ultimately show growth. In most areas of my life, I grew, but I realized after a random text convo last night I really did allow myself to be consumed by a freaking monster. The text and messages kept saying I walked away. I did as I did with many guys I’ve known in my past, but this was the biggest regret of my life. I lied. I do have regrets and every weekend when a face pops up, I feel myself doing what Sedi does sometimes when she is trying to hold back vomit. I’m disgusted. Gag is the word…

I seriously grow sick to my stomach because it’s my biggest let down. The text came last night and there were apologies in the text. We were young and dumb. We were college students trying to find ourselves and just graduate. We listened to music, I played video games, we made careless decisions, but we have empathy. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I only dealt with Black American men and once I opened myself up to date others; I see the lack of respect they have for women.

The convo with him went from the first time we met to everything under the moon. He asked about me being a single mom and shared words that most men I’ve dated shared; “you don’t deserve this” and they always offer to help with whatever I need. I never know how to accept such comments because those mornings I use to wake up with leaky breasts, a baby in a bassinet with oxygen cords everywhere, and bottles drying on the countertop and a calendar that would remind me of what we had going on that day, made me feel sorry for myself at one point. It was unbelievable that not only I was doing this alone, but the audacity of having to be expected in someone’s court with a dumb ass attorney who didn’t read the medical records of my daughter and a dumb ass parent who allowed it; “mom is a liar… look at how healthy this baby looks? She is smiling and she looks healthy.” I still remember I was so thankful that I had my mask on, I forgot all about the rules of law and instead of objecting on grounds that she was not a medical professional amongst other things, I raised my hand like I was in kindergarten, and sucked snot and wiped my eyes from the tears I couldn’t stop crying because I was in disbelief. I remember calling Fleming prior to this. I remember being so angry at myself for thinking I was strong enough to be pro se and think that we could be respectful because it is all about the child. I remember being so angry for women who were doing much more than I do and having to work blue collar jobs, catch the bus, and deal with this type of issue. And then recently as I watched how those who once had clout come falling down, I am reminded to allow God to handle this..”

I must have been a bad person in my former life, I told him many times for him to always express; “this shit is not always about you.” And he gave me many scenarios when people learned lessons and had to get themselves together. It confirms the person I am; a forgiving but praying woman. I prayed one time that God revealed this cheater and the phone rung immediately at 2am (ish). I can’t even make up this stuff.

I prayed that night I had the epiphany about my child’s father. It was so real and everything will always fall down when you are trying to be deceitful. In the voice of Simba (I laugh in the face of…danger); I pray for those that continue to deceit and hurt others.

The messages continued with an apology, one of my favorite songs (I’ve been on a Common kick lately) and well wishes until the next time.

I am certain these are reminders of what love is and as I shared with two friends yesterday; I’m sure we think we love people who we really don’t. As I shared, I feel the need to vomit every single weekend seeing the biggest regret of my life. And the regret is taking the time to entertain the Tom foolery and lies that I’ve learned so many from that continent participate in for many reasons.

I pray that they step up to be a better person for their child(ren) and their attorney defies those negative reviews one day. I pray these from my past get their stuff together. I also pray that I continue to stay strong and sane and my much needed changes to be a better person and mother for both Sedi and Anthony. I also pray that one day I don’t have that regret or that sick feeling because it is unhealthy. I also pray like the same thing I prayed that 2am hour, “whatever is suppose to be revealed God, reveal it so there are no more secrets.”

It doesn’t take a lot to be a good person, but I’m a firm believer everyone is incapable of being one.